i say yes & so does God

i painted my nails today for the first time in years as a sort of
celebration and definitely as a proclamation:::

today is the day i made the promise to myself to live more from intention and less from habit.

i realized that i have been responding to the circumstances around me out of my habitual fear and anxiety and i am tired of it. the truth is: i am not who i was & i do not need to continue responding to life like she is beating me up. this is also true: i am responsible for my own feelings. i am responsible for my own responses.

{everything else is out of my hands}

i’ve been feeling weary and weepy and far too alone inside myself wondering “How long will this last?” & “When will he realize I’m too much?” and all the while, continually waiting for the storm to come. I am tired from all the fear and holding back. I don’t want to edit myself or my story, but instead,
I want to embrace who I am now and who I want to be.

So today I decided to let go of some guilt and shame and be ok with me.
even when i mess up, it doesn’t change who i am.

–it’s amazing what happens when i release the grip—

i do believe that every second is a second chance, for we continually are deciding
who we are & what we value. i choose to accept all my second chances
as new beginnings.

and because today i feel like being colorful and girly, i say yes to the bright
red polish & yes to taking care of myself.

I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic
and she said yes
I asked her if it was okay to be short
and she said it sure is
I asked her if I could wear nail polish
or not wear nail polish
and she said honey
she calls me that sometimes
she said you can do just exactly
what you want to
Thanks God I said
And is it even okay if I don’t paragraph
my letters
Sweetcakes God said
who knows where she picked that up
what I’m telling you is
Yes Yes Yes

“God says yes to me” by Kaylin Haught from The Palm of your Hand, 1995