well, hello blog world.
i’m not sure how to begin this one, as i feel like i’ve been away from an old friend for some time and there is lots to say. do i begin by talking about how busy i’ve been and explain all the reasons i’ve not kept in touch?? Or do i just begin where i left off, the way it is when you’re with a friend who understands your soul?!
i feel like May Sarton when she writes in “Journal of a Solitude,”
“I am here alone for the first time in weeks, to take up my ‘real’ life again at last. This is what is strange–that friends, even passionate love, are not my real life unless there is time in which to explore and to discover what is happening or has happened.”
i’ve let time pass on by without writing much of it down, without letting myself discover what is happening and i feel rather….disconnected….i started a new job on my birthday this year and now, less than 2 months into it, i am wholly tired and uninspired. i put my 2 weeks notice in at the beginning of this month and will be finished after my two remaining shifts this week. some friends joke that it is my inability to commit that keeps me from staying here, but i know really that it is my unwillingness to surrender my imagination and dreams for a 40-hour work week just to pay the bills.
so instead, i’ve decided to cut back my expenses and invest in pursuing the things that make me most alive, like art and music and reading and writing and God. I even announced my plan to move across the country and go back to school next fall and, though i’m still terrified and full of unknowing of what really will happen, i feel a sort of freedom in making the decision. i’ve said it aloud now 15 times and i think that’s gotta be worth something.
perhaps this is the part about growing up where you learn to at least have some sort of vision for where you’re going and what you’ll be doing. my biggest fear for this though, is thinking of myself entirely in terms of what i do instead of who I am or somehow becoming locked in to some sort of “plan” that may turn out not to be what i wanted after all. but then again, it’s only a fear and i’m working through it…
(or maybe my friends are right.)
as i write now, i’m sitting in the dark, my face dimly lit by the light of my computer screen and the multicolored twinkle lights on the Christmas tree. there is some nostalgia in the room, what with the sparkly lights and the silence. i can see my glass ballerina ornament dangling through the branches on the tree and i remember days passed where i would gaze up at her, dreaming of pretty dresses and twirling on my toes. i don’t ever want to lose touch with that little girl in me who keeps on dreaming and keeps on twirling.
in the dark tonight, i can’t help but think of my life last year at this time.
i was with him and slowly fading into the deep heavy darkness of my own shit.
I was mean and cold and distant. It wasn’t fair.
To be honest, I don’t know why he stayed as long as he did…
Now though, I feel different, new. less heavy, less fearful and anxious and rude.
I am here now. I’m not there anymore. Not with him.
Life is carrying on and I feel taken over by a mixture of panic and faith at the truth of this: Life will keep going. I miss him sorely, though I feel confused by the pressure to ‘move on’ and the deep desire to just be ok. I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving him, but I’m learning at least to let him fly. He wants to be free and I want him to be happy.
I look at the love that surrounds me now, the new community and the strengthened friendships. The hidden loves, and desired love and
I am thankful for it all.
But over these several months, something has slowly changed as I’ve quietly turned my love towards myself. It’s as if my world has blossomed in full and wild color and I can breathe again. It feels good in here, inside my skin. & I am excited to journey on with this girl inside me, this amazing creature who can move and breathe and dance and cry and love and learn and forgive.
i’m ready for whatever is now. for whatever is next.
i just don’t want to miss these tiny moments that make up my life nor do i want to miss out of the opportunity to reach out to myself and to the world in vulnerability and truth. i see myself as i’ve been in the past weeks since i’ve written, rushing and maintaining and working and preparing for what “will happen next,” and the worries and plans that go along with it. i’m sick and tired of getting ready for life and not being in life right now.
here is the truth: i am enough as is.right now. a work in progress.
and so, to myself, and to anyone reading somewhere out there, i say a wholehearted yes to life right now. i begin again, the way the world begins again each day, and i commit to not taking myself too seriously and not trying too hard to figure it all out. i’m back on track and ready to rock this writing world, for, like laughter, it is good for my soul and good for my health.
i don’t know if there are any real readers out there, or only my imagination and the whirlwind of internet searches, but should you be reading this right now, curled up in your bed at home, or nestled quietly behind an office screen, i invite you to come. join me in reuniting with the secret depths of this life, where the soul quietly gives out its own secret. i will be writing more, so get ready…there may even be some pictures in store. let’s tumble on home then, shall we, and be returned to find that we are right where we need to be for now and even if all we do in one day is take a deep breath, that is enough.